TELLY TUBBY’S TAKE OVER TOWN HALL

BREAKING NEWS.... Exclusive Report brought to you live by our intrepid investigative reporter SAM SNOOP on the scene of this ground breaking news of a coupe which has taken place at Erewash Borough Council....

WORLDWIDE EXCLUSIVE

At 24.00 hours GMT the Telly Tubby’s officially took over Erewash Borough Council Town Hall and became officially responsible for the constitutional affairs of the borough of Erewash now under their expert operational command.

A victorious “Eh-Oh”to all of the residents of the borough of Erewash.

Additional security measures was promptly installed to protect the leadership from the huge legion of idolizing fans who with increasing regularity have constantly screamed adoration and thrown dirty laundry from the public gallery during committee meetings. The new leadership has likened this to the status of  other international superstars who also have dirty laundry thrown at them on a regular basis from their thong of adoring fans and concede this is a small price to pay for such popularity.

THE NEW SECURITY MEASURES

“Noo Noo more awkward questions from members of the public during committee debates”

This newly acquired leadership status was deemed to be the positive result of the £234 000 additional expenditure on a publicity drive aimed at raising the profile of Erewash Borough Council, one of the sharpest UK Local Authority rises of 270% in publicity spending from £87 000 to £312 000 in 2006/07.

Some of the more successful Robem N Ransom campaigns to generate additional Telly Tubby Town Hall  revenue has been fines for:

*  Depositing the wrong type of litter in EBC litter      bins

*  Planting and tending flower beds in EBC                 overgrown grass verges

* Disposing of a cigarette end down an EBC          grate

*  Littering an EBC pavement with cigarette ash

SPECIALISTS SPECIALISING IN SPECIALISM

An array of specialist consultants was swiftly employed who brought with them “skills and knowledge” of their subject matters for a very modest fee of £806 000. Specialist building and planning skills Telly Tubby Town Hall hired to ensure existing specialist building and planning skills already being publicly paid for via salaried officers of Telly Tubby Town Hall were specialised enough.  

New methods of raising additional borough funding to reimburse depleted coffers was

swiftly introduced in a borough wide blitz code named ‘ Fleece The Flock’ in which no

expense was spared in the pursuit of relieving Joe Public of any left over change jingling in

their pockets after paying their council taxes.

Robem N Ransom, has yielded unprecedented results in swelling the depleted coffers of Telly Tubby Town Hall via the ruthless Fleece The Flock campaign in which violations against the borough have been made fully accountable through severe financial penalties.

ROBEM  N RANSOM

Despite Erewash Borough Council spending £312 00 on publicity endeavours, a recent survey revealed that Erewash Borough Council ranks the top of the league for the most unpopular council in the entire UK.  

THE ADOPT A TELEPHONE JUNCTION BOX CAMPAIGN

In recognition of the valuable contribution green spaces make to our well being, the “Are You Thinking Green - We Are” campaign has been launched in a whirlwind fanfare of publicity.

“Eh-Oh all the green spaces have gone - we have developed them all what are we going to do now to get them to think green??”

After consulting with a consultant, residents have now been actively encouraged to take “Pride in Erewash” by adopting a telephone junction box and sporadically painting it green thus enabling them to appreciate the ethereal beauty of inanimate metal structures in their newly greened surroundings.

In recognition of the residents efforts to paint their community green the idea was pondered whether to issue formal adoption certificates to the guardians of these newly greened telephone junction boxes but in the interest of equality and fairness toward those left without a telephone junction box where demand had outstripped supply, it was not formally incorporated into the boroughs vision of a Green Space Strategy.

Even the leader of EBC, who had become a tad confused with painting by numbers has enthusiastically adopted the new borough wide single colour scheme and taken to implementing The Green Space Strategy as cost effectively as possible through religiously carrying a pot of “invisible” green paint everywhere in order to green the valley of Erewash, whilst also attempting to save on the £1 000 000 labour cost of recruiting temporary agency workers.

Despite the phenomenal success of the Fleece The Flock campaign along with the unstinting effort of Robem N Ransom to relieve the electorate of any left over coins jangling in their pockets in order to swell depleted coffers, economic savings still had to be made throughout the market town of Ilkeston where threatened closures, closures and dereliction due to lack of funding included:

*EREWASH MUSEUM

*PUBLIC CONVENIENCES

*VICTORIA PARK BANDSTAND

*THE SWIMMING POOL

*ALBION LEISURE CENTRE

*ILKESTON MARKET

THE “INVISIBLE” GREEN PAINTED SECURITY FENCE SURROUNDING THE STOLEN FLOOD LAND.

J♪♫ “Dippetty Doh Dah.. J♫

         Dippetty Day...

        My Oh My...

        Its a Lovely Green Day...♪♪♫

“When you see the green fence you will still be able to see the trees...

You will think you planted additional trees native to Derbyshire....

You will see a vision of a green space strategy....”

To be continued........